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Thread: in the interest of full disclosure

  1. #1
    Senior Member hamid_al-murid's Avatar
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    Default in the interest of full disclosure

    as-salaamu `alaykum wa rahmatu-llah

    i believe it is an act of respect for me to be direct and honest with all of you about my experience of being involved with this forum.

    i don't intend to criticize. my experience is not meant as a guide for anyone else, or as a comment on what should or should not be.

    i want so much more, and so much less. i want to find with my fellow human beings, in every place i go, some way to express and develop the best in me, the most deep between us. i want to be challenged, and to challenge. i want the immediacy of honest human contact. i have always loved the rawness of that, and the intensity. it is always so beautiful to see people's hearts shine when we drop our pretences and allow ourselves to fall apart in front of each other. people's lives change forever in such moments; things are never quite the same, and in the best of ways.

    lately my heart feels small here. there is so much in it, unknown even to me, that i don't feel safe to say or share--or even feel. i don't want conclusions or answers or walls or boundaries. i want an open field where i can explore my experience freely without judgment, and discover for myself what the things are in me that are most alive...most precious and sacred and holy. i want to find the deepest holiest thing inside me for every law of islam...i want to see and feel the value and the beauty of every inner jewel that is protected by the hijab of a ruling from the shari'a, and to always keep looking for more and more precious jewels inside.

    there are several people on this forum who seem very much to find value in an understanding of islam that seems alien to me. when i see these posts, i feel myself reminded of parts of me that feel imprisoned by beliefs i hold in my mind. if i try, even in my imagination, to do what some of you think islam is or if i try to see it the way some of you seem to see it, i feel very much less alive. i start to go numb inside, and then there is no way for me to practice islam as a protection for my open heart in the world.

    my heart then actually contracts...
    and my iman becomes weaker.

    this can't be right.

    so i just want to let you all know that i've been posting less lately because i feel more disconnected from the forum.

    i'm sorry that i don't know how to feel more connected with all of you, or how to practice and express that. it's a painful experience for me. i so much wish i knew how to communicate what i know in a way that could touch all the hearts, and so we could all feel together in one ummah in a way that we could not have imagined a moment ago.
    :lprincess

    wassalaam wa rahmatu-llah
    all my love
    hamid
    "Beloved, in the name of God,
    look with the eye of the heart,
    and don't look back."
    ................................................
    "Toward the latter days of indiscriminate violence,
    be like the first and better of the two sons of Adam who said,
    "If you raise your hand to kill me, I will not raise mine to kill you;
    surely I fear God, the Lord of all the worlds."
    - Prophet Muhammad صل الله عليه و سلام

    لا إله إلا الله محمدٌ رسول الله

  2. #2

    Default Re: in the interest of full disclosure

    You are the only faithful student you have.
    All the others leave eventually.

    Have you been making yourself shallow
    with making other eminent?

    Just remember, when you're in union,
    you don't have to fear
    that you'll be drained.

    The command comes to speak,
    and you feel the ocean
    moving through you.
    Then comes, Be silent,
    as when the rain stops,
    and the trees in the orchard
    begin to draw moisture
    up into themselves.

    ~Rumi

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
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    496

    Default Re: in the interest of full disclosure

    Peace and greetings brother Hamid, I feel we are on a very similar journey, you through Islam and me through my Catholic faith. I can say that I build my relationship with God and my neighbours through the Catholic faith but on its own the Catholic faith is not enough. To have faith is also to have some form of self doubt, or doubt in your religion or doubt in God, but these are being constantly tested through life and it seem you either loose your faith or it becomes stronger.

    I know you have been troubled with things going on in your personal life, and yet you still seem to have the faith to search for peace and love, you do not seem to blame God for any of your troubles.

    You are beginning to feel the uphill struggle of opposing beliefs and interpretations within your own religion, and you seem to feel uncomfortable with this, but stick to your greater vision of Islam. I feel that in time to come you will gain the faith to move mountains, the mountains of rock that exist in the hearts of men. You talk of wanting to move all hearts and indeed that is a vision shared by prophets.

    You talk of searching for all the jewels of Islam and this will be a life’s journey, but at the same time search for the jewel with a value that exceeds all else. This is the jewel that will give your life the greatest purpose. I feel your greater role in life may be a peacekeeper of some kind in places of conflict.

    This week is Christian Unity week were people of most denominations pray and work towards a greater understanding of each other that they may be one. At Mass this mourning an Anglican Curate preached the Gospel and did the sermon in our Catholic Church, this is the first time I have seen this happen, and thirty years ago it would have been unheard of.

    In another generation or two we may even be closer to Islam and Judaism, maybe the people of the world may work for a greater understanding and peace between them.

    In peace

    Eric

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