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Laughter the best medicine - Page 3
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Thread: Laughter the best medicine

  1. #31
    Veteran Member sumuque's Avatar
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”



    The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
    So, too, the creeds of man: the one prevails
    Until the other comes; and this one fails
    When that one triumphs; ay, the lonesome world
    Will always want the latest fairy tales.
    Al-Ma'arri

  2. #32
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

    (Passing requires 4 correct answers)


    1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

    2) Which country makes Panama hats?

    3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

    7) What was King George VI's first name?

    8) What colour is a purple finch?

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

    10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

    Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.20

    Check your answers below.








    ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

    2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

    3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

    4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

    5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

    6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

    7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

    8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson

    9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

    10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

  3. #33
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Salaam DocW,

    Thank you for the test - I failed !!
    It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.
    -Alice

  4. #34

    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    DocW

    Thanks for the test but I too failed Miserably I might add! What possesed people to come up with these names and statements!

    Salam

  5. #35
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Walaykum Assalaam Farrah and Sheemae

    Many thanks for taking the time to read. In my very humble understanding if we have learnt something new we have acquired knowledge and definitelly not failed.

    PS I also "failed" to get 4 correct ones.

    kind regards

  6. #36

    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    DocW

    Quote Originally Posted by DocW View Post
    Walaykum Assalaam Farrah and Sheemae

    Many thanks for taking the time to read. In my very humble understanding if we have learnt something new we have acquired knowledge and definitelly not failed.

    PS I also "failed" to get 4 correct ones.

    kind regards
    Couldn't have said it any better Do you hear that Farrah? We are not failures after all

    Thank you DocW- Salam

  7. #37
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine


  8. #38
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Quote Originally Posted by sheemae View Post
    DocW



    Couldn't have said it any better Do you hear that Farrah? We are not failures after all

    Thank you DocW- Salam
    Salaam sister sheemae,

    Phew...thank you for that...I feel so much better now!!
    It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.
    -Alice

  9. #39
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Quote Originally Posted by DocW View Post
    Salaam DocW,

    Thank you for that - it was very funny!!
    It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.
    -Alice

  10. #40
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Subject: Ol' Blue

    A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to University, but only
    halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all of his money.

    He calls home. ''Dad,'' he says, ''you won't believe what modern education
    is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will
    teach our dog Ol'Blue how to talk.''

    'That's amazing!' his Dad says. ''How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?''

    'Just send him down here with $2,000,'' the young jackaroo says, ''I'll get
    him in the course.''

    So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

    About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
    calls home. ''So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?'' his father wants to
    know.

    'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm, but you just won't believe this.
    They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
    animals how to read.''

    'Read?'' exclaims his father. ''No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
    program?''

    'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.''

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
    year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
    shoots the dog.

    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

    'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
    something!''

    'Dad,'' the boy says, ''I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
    before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
    in the recliner,reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned
    to me and asked, ''So, is your daddy still sleeping with that little
    redhead barmaid at the pub?''

    The father groans and whispers, ''I hope you shot that bastard before he
    talks to your Mother!''

    'I sure did, Dad!''

    'That's my boy!''

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

  11. #41
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Salaam DocW,

    That was funny. It must be bash-a-lawyer time so here are a few more:


    THE ATTORNEY AFTERLIFE

    An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

    The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

    The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

    When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."


    A MISCALCULATION AT THE PEARLY GATES

    Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."

    "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

    "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

    "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

    "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."


    A MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN

    A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

    St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."

    Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."

    Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."

    The couple got married.

    Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"


    THE PRIEST

    After a long life, dutifully serving his parishioners, the elderly priest died. He found himself in Heaven, where he was warmly greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome," St. Peter said, "You have lived a good life. Let me take you to your quarters, and then I'll show you around Heaven."

    St. Peter took the man to a rather plain building, and escorted him to a small room. The room was humbly furnished, but was functional. The priest was a bit surprised, having expected Heaven to be a bit more extravagent, but he was happy to be there.

    They then began their tour of Heaven, and it was absolutely beautiful. The priest felt silly for his initial resentment over his room.

    Finally, they came upon an enormous mansion. A butler opened the door to the mansion and a man came out, dressed to the nines, and proceeded down a long walkway to the front gate, as servants rolled a red carpet before him. When he reached the gate, a chauffeured limousine pulled up, and the man got in. It drove off.

    "Was that God," the priest asked, stunned by the display.

    "Oh heavens no," replied St. Peter. "That was a lawyer."

    "I don't want to seem ungrateful, but can you answer a question for me?" The priest continued, "I spent my entire life devoted to my parishioners, and teaching the gospel, and I have very humble quarters in Heaven. I just don't understand what that lawyer did, which would merit such a beautiful mansion."

    "It isn't what he did," St. Peter replied. "You see, we have thousands upon thousands of priests up here. But he's our first lawyer."


    WHY GOD MADE LAWYERS

    Satan was complaining bitterly to God:
    "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm not perfect, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

    And so God created lawyers.



    .
    ***************************DISCLAIMER: I personally have nothing against lawyers, I love them *************


    .
    It would be so nice if something made sense for a change.
    -Alice

  12. #42

    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Salam Farrah

    As always you had me in stitches!


    Salam DocW

    That was really funny!- but no disclaimer?

    Salam

  13. #43
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Quote Originally Posted by DocW
    Subject: Ol' Blue

    A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to University, but only
    halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all of his money.

    He calls home. ''Dad,'' he says, ''you won't believe what modern education
    is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will
    teach our dog Ol'Blue how to talk.''

    'That's amazing!' his Dad says. ''How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?''

    'Just send him down here with $2,000,'' the young jackaroo says, ''I'll get
    him in the course.''

    So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

    About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
    calls home. ''So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?'' his father wants to
    know.

    'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm, but you just won't believe this.
    They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
    animals how to read.''

    'Read?'' exclaims his father. ''No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
    program?''

    'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.''

    The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
    year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
    shoots the dog.

    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

    'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
    something!''

    'Dad,'' the boy says, ''I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
    before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
    in the recliner,reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned
    to me and asked, ''So, is your daddy still sleeping with that little
    redhead barmaid at the pub?''

    The father groans and whispers, ''I hope you shot that bastard before he
    talks to your Mother!''

    'I sure did, Dad!''

    'That's my boy!''

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
    I like the construction of that joke. It misleads you into thinking an unfunny line is the punchline but then hits you with a funny one. Kind of a joke within a joke.

  14. #44
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    How much faith is required to become an athesit ?

    What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark? Flood lights

    if matches are made in heaven, why do they cost 25p a box?

    If ignorance is a bliss, why aren't more people happy?

    Do we make bombs better or worse?

  15. #45
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    The Banana Test

    There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
    a lion , a chimpanzee , a giraffe , and a squirrel , who pass by.
    They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

    Who do you think will win?

    Your answer will reflect your personality.

    So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

    Got your answer?

    Now scroll down to see the analysis.
    ..



    ..



    ..


    ..



    ..




    ..






    ..




    ..


    If you picked:


    Lion - you're dull.


    Chimpanzee - you're a moron. a


    Giraffe - you're a complete idiot.


    Squirrel - you're just hopelessly stupid.



    A Coconut tree Doesn't have Bananas!!!!!

    Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
    You should take some time off and relax!
    Try again next year.

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