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Thread: Laughter the best medicine

  1. #1
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    Default Laughter the best medicine

    Dear God,

    So far today, I've done all right.

    I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.

    I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!

    But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help. !!!!!!!!

    Thank you!

    Amen

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    This is a REAL Neurological Test.

    Seat comfortably and feel calm.
    1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.

    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

    2- If y ou already found the C, now find the 6 below.
    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999699999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999
    9999999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999 9999999999999999

    3- Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult..
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MNMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM
    MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMM

    This is NOT a joke.

    If you were able to pass this 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.

    Your brain is great and you're far from having Alzheimer Disease.

    Congratulations!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    ..go slowly and answer the questions.....have fun.........




    The Giraffe Test

    1 . How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

    Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.



    The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


    2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?




    Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

    Wrong Answer.

    Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.



    3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
    Attend .... Except one. Which animal does not attend?



    Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there!! This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

    4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and
    you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?



    Correct Answer:? You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

    According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the

    Professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
    Last edited by DocW; 31st December 2008 at 19:27. Reason: amend

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    2008 DARWIN AWARDS


    You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without
    further ado, here are the 2008 Darwin awards.


    Eighth Place
    In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of
    water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate
    to retrieve his car keys.

    Seventh Place
    A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when
    he ran,' accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily
    run.

    Sixth Place
    While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an eight foot hole for
    protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the
    bottom! When it t collapsed, burying him beneath five feet of sand.
    People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out
    but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
    almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

    Fifth Place
    Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling
    of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
    flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed
    into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

    Fourth Place
    Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with
    friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets
    into his mouth and pull the trigger.

    Third Place
    After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the
    front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing
    the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
    standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
    announced a hold-up!, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
    The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers
    also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the
    scene by Paramedics Crime scene investigators located 47 expended
    cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23
    gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different
    weapons. No one else was hurt.

    Honorable Mention
    Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving
    around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out
    the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice
    the window was closed.

    Runner Up
    Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of
    them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge
    in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at
    least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon
    arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
    brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,
    volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near
    by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other
    to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and
    tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into
    the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot
    was never located.

    And the Winner is...?
    Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn,Germany) fed his
    constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
    bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
    finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
    attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the
    relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected
    defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his
    head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of
    dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents
    that proves.. '**** happens.'

    IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING
    THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as .''English Weather.' Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.'
    > In other words - partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Test for Dementia

    Below are four questions and a bonus question.
    You have to answer them instantly.
    You can't take your time,
    answer all of them immediately .
    OK?

    Let's find out just how clever you really are....

    Ready?
    GO!

    (scroll down)



    First Question

    You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
    ?
    ?
    ?
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    Answer

    If you answered that you are first,
    then you are absolutely wrong!
    If you overtake the second person
    and you take his place, you are second!

    Try not to screw up next time.
    Now answer the second question,
    but don't take as much time
    as you took for the first question,
    OK ?



    Second Question

    If you overtake the last person,
    then you are?

    (scroll down)
    ?
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    Answer

    If you answered that you are second to last,
    then you are wrong again.
    Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

    You're not very good at this,
    are you?






    Third Question:

    Very tricky arithmetic!
    Note: This must be done in your head only .

    Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

    Take 1000
    and add 40 to it.
    Now add another 1000 .
    Now add 30 .
    Add another 1000 .
    Now add 20 .
    Now add another 1000
    Now add 10 ..
    What is the total?

    Scroll down for answer
    ?
    ?
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    Did you get 5000 ?

    The correct answer is actually 4100.

    If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
    Today is definit ely not your day, is it?
    Maybe you'll get the last question right....
    ......Maybe.






    Fourth Question:
    Johnny's father has three sons:
    1. Snap, 2. Crackle and?
    What is the name of the third son?
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    Did you Answer Pop?

    NO!
    Of course it isn't.
    His name is Johnny.
    Read the question again!















    Okay
    now the bonus round

    A mute person goes into a shop
    and wants to buy a toothbrush.
    By imitating the action of brushing his teeth
    he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done.


    Next, a blind man comes into the shop
    who wan ts to buy a pair of sunglasses;
    how does HE indicate what he wants?
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    He just has to open his mouth and ask...
    It's really very simple....
    Like you!

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    HOW TO PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES PROPERLY

    1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
    2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
    3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

    4. Then analyse the situation:

    a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
    b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
    c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
    d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
    e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
    f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
    g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
    h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
    i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
    j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
    k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
    l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management .

    Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    The Lawyer and the Redneck
    A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

    So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

    The lawyer persists, "This game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

    This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

    Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

    The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the airphone, he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

    The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the redneck and asks, "Well, what does go up a hill with three legs and come down with four?" The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
    villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

    The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the
    forest, and started catching them.

    The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
    villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy
    at $20.

    This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
    monkeys again.

    Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
    their farms.

    The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little
    that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

    The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50!

    However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant
    would now buy on his behalf.

    In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all
    these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them
    to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to
    him for $50 each.'

    The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

    Then they never saw the man nor his assistant ever again, only monkeys
    everywhere!

    I Hope you all now you have a better understanding of how the stock market really works.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Young Chuck, who really wanted a Horse, bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

    Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

    The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

    Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

    The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

    Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

    The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

    Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Just Watch me. '

    A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

    Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

    The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

    Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

    Chuck grew up, got a college education, and works now for the Wall Street / Government.
    He was the one who figured out how to "Bail all of us out for Just 700 Billion Dollars".

  12. #12
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    Quote Originally Posted by DocW View Post

    Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'
    Shouldn't that be a profit of $898? Since he had to pay $100 for the original horse (less profit actually since he had to pay for transporting the horse etc but let's not be nitpicky)
    The image-obsessed, bloodthirsty, sensationalistic world outside your window is the real madhouse.

    www.islamic-relief.com

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    i failed every test except the neurological test

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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the
    bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

    Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

    It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened
    the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

    Dear Dad,



    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

    I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
    scene with Mum and you.


    I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but
    I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing,
    tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
    older than I am.


    But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.


    Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,
    and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
    dream of having many more children.


    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
    hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
    people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.


    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for
    AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!


    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
    Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
    your many grandchildren.


    Love, your son,



    John.

    P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

    I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
    than the school report that's on my desk.

    I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. #15
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    Default Re: Laughter the best medicine

    confessing sins



    Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins.

    When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest, "Father, I am sinful."

    "Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

    "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

    "That's bad my boy. Fortunately, you realize your mistake."

    "Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues. So, I slept with her too."

    "That's not very good of you."

    "Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

    "Father?.... ..... Father?"

    Suddenly, this guy realized that there was no response from the Father. He walked over and discovered that the priest was not there. So, he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"

    He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"

    "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

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