Ramsey
12th September 2008, 11:38
The following joke was stolen from this blog (http://doodleplex.com/glassmaze/?s=dungeons).
And for people who don't know, in Dungeons and Dragons (as explained in the joke, a roleplaying game) one rolls dice to see if one succeeds at an action (everything from flirtation to swinging a sword to someone). The higher you roll, the better and the most commonly used die has 20 sides.
Dungeons & Dragons at The Whitehouse
September 29th, 2004 — Uncategorized
It has recently been reported that top officials in the Bush administration hold secret Dungeons & Dragons sessions in the oval office every week. Dungeons & Dragons is a role-playing game in which players take on the personas of various heroic characters in a fantasy world controlled by a “Dungeon Master.”
I managed to obtain a transcript of their most recent game.
Dick Cheney: Dungeon Master
George Bush: Thief
John Ashcroft: Paladin
Karl Rove: Assassin
Cheney: Ok, you’re outside DNC headquarters. It’s a towering black building with slit windows. There are Democratic gargoyles with the faces of Walter Mondale and George McGovern and William Jennings Bryan along the roofline. There are several staffers going into and coming out of the building.
Rove: Are any of them carrying babies?
Cheney: Hold on. [rolls a die] Yes. Some of the women have babies in their …
Rove: I kill the babies.
Cheney: What?
Rove: I kill the babies.
Ashcroft: Karl, as a paragon of goodness and justice, I feel I must object. These are defenseless children.
Rove: Defenseless future Democratic children.
Ashcroft: Yes, but …
Rove: Defenseless future Democratic voters, judges, congressmen.
Ashcroft: Hmmm.
Rove: Maybe you could look the other way.
Cheney: There’s someone selling marijuana to a cancer patient across the street.
Ashcroft: Good lord! Stop! Fiend! I gallop over and arrest them.
Cheney: Ok.
Rove: I kill the babies.
Cheney: Ok. You’re about to kill the babies when Al Gore comes out of the building. He’s wearing full plate mail and carrying a sword. His daughter is behind him, wearing a long flowing robe.
Rove: I kill Al Gore. And his daughter. And then I eat them.
Bush: [grimacing] Democrats don’t taste good.
Aschcroft: Ok, I’m taking away the cancer patient’s marijuana and giving him a medicare prescription card.
Cheney: Which one? There are about a thousand to choose from, give or take.
Ashcroft: Which one will help him the most?
Cheney: I have no idea.
Ashcroft: Me neither. Just pick one.
Rove: How slowly can I kill Al Gore?
Cheney: Ok. Al Gore lifts his sword and says: “In my capacity as a protector of the people and true president of the United States, I must strenuously object to your stated aim of killing these innocent children. It is my duty as both a former senator and an American and a former Vice President and a human being to uphold …”
Bush: This is boring.
Cheney: Al Gore is still talking: “… the basic rights of all children and adults and men and women to continue to draw breath as called for by our great constitution crafted by our founding …”
Rove: ****! He’s casting a Boring spell on us!
Cheney: You’re all getting really sleepy. Roll a Will save.
Rove: **** **** mother**** **** mother****. [rolls] I got a twenty.
Cheney: Good roll. You shrug off the effects of the boring spell. Mr President?
Bush: [rolls a six-sided die] Twenty.
Cheney: Sir, that’s a six-sided die.
Bush: Yeah.
[Pause. Cheney looks at six-sided die. It does indeed show twenty.]
Cheney: Good roll, sir. [picks up and examines the die] I see that every side of this die is a twenty.
Bush: Yeah. All of my dice are all twenties, even the four-sided one. They’re a gift from my Daddy.
Cheney: It’s no more than you deserve sir. You shrug off the effects of the boring spell. John, what are you doing?
Ashcroft: I’m checking to see if the cancer patient is a terrorist.
Cheney: What are you looking for, specifically?
Ashcroft: Oh, I don’t know. Is he Arab?
Cheney: No.
Ashcroft: Is he sneaky looking?
Cheney: Um… [rolls] … no.
Ashcroft: Does he have an accent?
Cheney: No.
Ashcroft: Hmmm. I search him.
Cheney: He has a dollar bill on him, and a nail cutter.
Ashcroft: Aha! I thought so. What were you going to do with this nail cutter, terrorist scum?
Cheney: The cancer patients says he was going to cut his nails.
Rove: Kill him.
Ashcroft: No. I don’t want to descend to his level. Then the terrorists have won. [thinks] I’m going to send him over to Guantanamo for daily torture therapy with dogs.
Cheney: Done. Now what?
Ashcroft: I guess I’ll kill Al Gore.
Cheney: Ok, good. You all surround Al Gore. Roll your attacks.
Bush: [rolls a pencil] Twenty.
Cheney: Good roll, sir! But I’m afraid not good enough. His armor successfully deflects your blow. Karl?
Rove: [rolls, gets a 5]. ****. [rolls again, gets a five] **** mother**** ****. [rolls again, gets an 8] **** **** **** **** **** MOTHER**** ****!!! [rolls again, gets a 20]. I got a twenty.
Cheney: Good roll. But not good enough. Your sword whistles over his head. John?
Ashcroft: I cast a Smite Evil spell on Al Gore.
Cheney: Ok. You call upon your god and channel his divine power into a Smite Evil spell. It shoots out of your fingers toward Al Gore, stops, and hovers there for a minute. Then it turns around and smites Karl.
Rove: God damn it John!
Ashcroft: Oh, sorry Karl. I forgot.
Cheney: Al Gore lifts his sword and swings it in a great arc. [rolls] Karl, he cuts your head off. [rolls] John, he cuts your head off. [rolls] Mr President, he cuts your head off.
[Pause]
Bush: So we’re all dead?
Cheney: I’m afraid so sir.
Rove: **** that. You forgot about my Supreme Court spell.
Cheney: Oh yeah. As Karl’s lifeless body falls to the ground, his prepared Supreme Court spell triggers and summons nine people in black robes. They materialize over your dead bodies and examine the situation, trying to decide if Al Gore’s victory is in fact legitimate.
[Cheney makes to roll. Rove grabs his arm, shakes his head.]
Rove: That won’t be necessary, Dick. I’ve made arrangements.
Cheney: Oh, that’s right. [smiles] The Supreme Court decides to reverse Al Gore’s victory. All of you come back to life. Al Gore dies. The DNC collapses into a heap of rubble.
Rove: Good. About ****ing time.
Bush: Can we play Chutes and Ladders now?
Rove: We haven’t had a chance to remove all the chutes from the board yet, sir. It should be ready tomorrow.
Bush: Dang. Ok, well let’s play this again, then. But this time let’s try to win without the Supreme Court.
[Long silence]
Rove: I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, Mr President.
Bush: [shrugs] Ok. Yeah, we might as well use them, I guess.
Rove: That’s what they’re there for, sir.
And for people who don't know, in Dungeons and Dragons (as explained in the joke, a roleplaying game) one rolls dice to see if one succeeds at an action (everything from flirtation to swinging a sword to someone). The higher you roll, the better and the most commonly used die has 20 sides.
Dungeons & Dragons at The Whitehouse
September 29th, 2004 — Uncategorized
It has recently been reported that top officials in the Bush administration hold secret Dungeons & Dragons sessions in the oval office every week. Dungeons & Dragons is a role-playing game in which players take on the personas of various heroic characters in a fantasy world controlled by a “Dungeon Master.”
I managed to obtain a transcript of their most recent game.
Dick Cheney: Dungeon Master
George Bush: Thief
John Ashcroft: Paladin
Karl Rove: Assassin
Cheney: Ok, you’re outside DNC headquarters. It’s a towering black building with slit windows. There are Democratic gargoyles with the faces of Walter Mondale and George McGovern and William Jennings Bryan along the roofline. There are several staffers going into and coming out of the building.
Rove: Are any of them carrying babies?
Cheney: Hold on. [rolls a die] Yes. Some of the women have babies in their …
Rove: I kill the babies.
Cheney: What?
Rove: I kill the babies.
Ashcroft: Karl, as a paragon of goodness and justice, I feel I must object. These are defenseless children.
Rove: Defenseless future Democratic children.
Ashcroft: Yes, but …
Rove: Defenseless future Democratic voters, judges, congressmen.
Ashcroft: Hmmm.
Rove: Maybe you could look the other way.
Cheney: There’s someone selling marijuana to a cancer patient across the street.
Ashcroft: Good lord! Stop! Fiend! I gallop over and arrest them.
Cheney: Ok.
Rove: I kill the babies.
Cheney: Ok. You’re about to kill the babies when Al Gore comes out of the building. He’s wearing full plate mail and carrying a sword. His daughter is behind him, wearing a long flowing robe.
Rove: I kill Al Gore. And his daughter. And then I eat them.
Bush: [grimacing] Democrats don’t taste good.
Aschcroft: Ok, I’m taking away the cancer patient’s marijuana and giving him a medicare prescription card.
Cheney: Which one? There are about a thousand to choose from, give or take.
Ashcroft: Which one will help him the most?
Cheney: I have no idea.
Ashcroft: Me neither. Just pick one.
Rove: How slowly can I kill Al Gore?
Cheney: Ok. Al Gore lifts his sword and says: “In my capacity as a protector of the people and true president of the United States, I must strenuously object to your stated aim of killing these innocent children. It is my duty as both a former senator and an American and a former Vice President and a human being to uphold …”
Bush: This is boring.
Cheney: Al Gore is still talking: “… the basic rights of all children and adults and men and women to continue to draw breath as called for by our great constitution crafted by our founding …”
Rove: ****! He’s casting a Boring spell on us!
Cheney: You’re all getting really sleepy. Roll a Will save.
Rove: **** **** mother**** **** mother****. [rolls] I got a twenty.
Cheney: Good roll. You shrug off the effects of the boring spell. Mr President?
Bush: [rolls a six-sided die] Twenty.
Cheney: Sir, that’s a six-sided die.
Bush: Yeah.
[Pause. Cheney looks at six-sided die. It does indeed show twenty.]
Cheney: Good roll, sir. [picks up and examines the die] I see that every side of this die is a twenty.
Bush: Yeah. All of my dice are all twenties, even the four-sided one. They’re a gift from my Daddy.
Cheney: It’s no more than you deserve sir. You shrug off the effects of the boring spell. John, what are you doing?
Ashcroft: I’m checking to see if the cancer patient is a terrorist.
Cheney: What are you looking for, specifically?
Ashcroft: Oh, I don’t know. Is he Arab?
Cheney: No.
Ashcroft: Is he sneaky looking?
Cheney: Um… [rolls] … no.
Ashcroft: Does he have an accent?
Cheney: No.
Ashcroft: Hmmm. I search him.
Cheney: He has a dollar bill on him, and a nail cutter.
Ashcroft: Aha! I thought so. What were you going to do with this nail cutter, terrorist scum?
Cheney: The cancer patients says he was going to cut his nails.
Rove: Kill him.
Ashcroft: No. I don’t want to descend to his level. Then the terrorists have won. [thinks] I’m going to send him over to Guantanamo for daily torture therapy with dogs.
Cheney: Done. Now what?
Ashcroft: I guess I’ll kill Al Gore.
Cheney: Ok, good. You all surround Al Gore. Roll your attacks.
Bush: [rolls a pencil] Twenty.
Cheney: Good roll, sir! But I’m afraid not good enough. His armor successfully deflects your blow. Karl?
Rove: [rolls, gets a 5]. ****. [rolls again, gets a five] **** mother**** ****. [rolls again, gets an 8] **** **** **** **** **** MOTHER**** ****!!! [rolls again, gets a 20]. I got a twenty.
Cheney: Good roll. But not good enough. Your sword whistles over his head. John?
Ashcroft: I cast a Smite Evil spell on Al Gore.
Cheney: Ok. You call upon your god and channel his divine power into a Smite Evil spell. It shoots out of your fingers toward Al Gore, stops, and hovers there for a minute. Then it turns around and smites Karl.
Rove: God damn it John!
Ashcroft: Oh, sorry Karl. I forgot.
Cheney: Al Gore lifts his sword and swings it in a great arc. [rolls] Karl, he cuts your head off. [rolls] John, he cuts your head off. [rolls] Mr President, he cuts your head off.
[Pause]
Bush: So we’re all dead?
Cheney: I’m afraid so sir.
Rove: **** that. You forgot about my Supreme Court spell.
Cheney: Oh yeah. As Karl’s lifeless body falls to the ground, his prepared Supreme Court spell triggers and summons nine people in black robes. They materialize over your dead bodies and examine the situation, trying to decide if Al Gore’s victory is in fact legitimate.
[Cheney makes to roll. Rove grabs his arm, shakes his head.]
Rove: That won’t be necessary, Dick. I’ve made arrangements.
Cheney: Oh, that’s right. [smiles] The Supreme Court decides to reverse Al Gore’s victory. All of you come back to life. Al Gore dies. The DNC collapses into a heap of rubble.
Rove: Good. About ****ing time.
Bush: Can we play Chutes and Ladders now?
Rove: We haven’t had a chance to remove all the chutes from the board yet, sir. It should be ready tomorrow.
Bush: Dang. Ok, well let’s play this again, then. But this time let’s try to win without the Supreme Court.
[Long silence]
Rove: I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, Mr President.
Bush: [shrugs] Ok. Yeah, we might as well use them, I guess.
Rove: That’s what they’re there for, sir.