General joke

[Osman]

Why did the man keep driving his car in reverse?

Because he knew the town backwards!

[sheik]

salaam,

Q. why did the chicken cross the road?

A. to get to the other side!

[Ratatosk]

Knock, knock.

[xp²]

Who's there.....

[Ratatosk]

Boo!

[Halima]

...........Boo Who?!!! :p

[Ratatosk]

Aaw, come now, don't cry..

[Halima]

Maybe it's your prescense that's causing horror: :D ........lol J/K

[Osman]

Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road?

A. To get to the body shop!

HAHAHA! Rolling on the floor laughing.

NOT!

[Halima]

Q
HAHAHA! Rolling on the floor laughing.

NOT!


Woops. Was I supposed to laugh?

[Ratatosk]

I certainly did.

NOT!

[sheik]

salaam

alright here is good one:

Q. what did the one fruit say to the other?

A. orange you tired (as in aren;t you tired)

ahhahahahahahha thats a classic! i made that one up you guys!

salaam

[Osman]

I was being sarcastic

[zAk]

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy:"You're lucky, mine's still alive. :c:

[zAk]

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till
I'm half dead." :brow:

[zAk]

Sardar at an art gallery "I suppose this horrible looking thing is
what you call a modern Art?"

Art Dealer "I beg your pardon sir. Thats a mirror!"

================================================== ==
"Help.... the Titanic is going to be drowned...."
Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God...

Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship.
Italian : How far is land, from here ?
Sardarji : Two miles .
Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise.
I have got the experience of swimming even more.
The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up
to the layer to ask something again.
Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from h! ere ?
Sardarji : Downwards... !!

[zAk]

:confused:

[Ansar Al-Haq]

good jokes. good jokes.


Here is a bad joke a christian said:
There was a nun and this guy playing croquet. Every time he missed he would say %$@#! I missed! The nun kept saying, "Don't say that, God will be mad..." He didn't listen. So all of a sudden a giant bolt of lughtening came out of the sky and zapped the nun. There was a deep booming voice that said:

%$#! I missed!

Stupid joke if ya ask me.

[zAk]

:D

one from me :

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

[Ratatosk]

You don't need a parachute to skydive.
You do need a parachute to skydive twice.

[Ansar Al-Haq]

LOL.

Most people skydive with the intention of making it back. If not then we have another s-word for it. Suicide.

[zAk]

Don't mean it !

[zAk]

Sorry RON n the likes [who don't know URDU] !!!
I wanted to start some urdu ones too !
i think u'll get many a translators here !
enjoy !
--zAk

[Ratatosk]

I wrote a finnish post, but no-one replied.... feels lonely....

[zAk]

I wrote a finnish post, but no-one replied.... feels lonely....
which one ?

[zAk]

Wud leke to have comments on the urdu ones just started !
btw I Have loads of them ! plz comment if u want more !
also if u don't !

[Ratatosk]

which one ?It was just sitting there .., in a thread .., all by its lonesome .., so I thought the best thing to do was to put it out of its misery. So now it's gone. *sob* Gone forever. *sob* I sure miss that post... 'Twas a good post... *sigh* :(

[Ron]

Ratatosk,

Try Swedish :) that might do the trick.

[Mehreen]

funny zakariakhan :p .. *surperised* no one asked for translation! :O

[zAk]

Thnx Mehreen,
No comments from others :confused:
======================================
anyways enjoy the next one :

[zAk]

enjoy !

[Ratatosk]

LOL! Haute Dawgs, indeed!

[Osman]

:lolwhack: :lolwhack: :lolwhack: Liked the hot dogs the best! Too funny!

[zAk]

Further Proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

SPAN On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it’s "just" a suggestion).

On Tosco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.! " (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

[zAk]

:confused:

[Osman]

:lol: :lolwhack: I jus' noticed em'! They're well funny! Keep em up!;)

[zAk]

Software Engineer Husband



Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card,
i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to
Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - i will go to my dad’s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will
Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

[Osman]

:lol: They're too funny! And I'm supposed to be dead!

[rabiya]

:lol:
aaaaaaahahahahha
zakariakhan yer jokess r really makin me dead :LOL:
:D
aaaaaahahahhahahahah :bigfgriny

[zAk]

Real life joke !

[Osman]

:lolwhack: :lolwhack: :lolwhack: :lolwhack: :lolwhack: :lolwhack: :lolwhack: :lolwhack:

Sooooooooo funny! Dead with laughter! You killed Rabiya! :lol:

Leave blonde people alone! :lol: It's not nice to be hairist.

[rabiya]

salam
:confused:
osman wat did ye say??
m still alive :D

[zAk]

salam
:confused:
osman wat did ye say??
m still alive :D :eek: :eek: :eek:
S T I L L t h e r e ? ? ? ? ? ?
j k:lol:

[zAk]

:( Ways girls turn romantic guys down !!! :(

HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once.i never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No,i'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
SHE: It's hot!!!

HE: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
SHE: Okay,but would you stay there?

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! i'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on ,don't be shy.Ask me out!
SHE: Okay,get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why,are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: why,don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah,it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: You know I can't seem to get your face out of my mind.
SHE: Wow really, I have a similar problem I cant seem to get you out of my face!!!

HE: When I look at your face, I can't hold my self down..
SHE: And when I look at your face I can't seem to keep my food down!

HE: You know when they made u they must have broken the mold.
SHE: Yeah and when they were making you must have leaked out of your mold!!

HE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, could there be anyone as beautiful as you?
SHE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, i'm sure there's no-one as ugly as you!

HE: Do you have a phone number I can reach you on?
She: Sorry, telephones are against my religion!!!

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

HE: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
SHE: It's in the phone book.
HE: But I don't know your name.
SHE: That's in the phone book too.

HE: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not Enter

HE: I know how to please a woman.
SHE: Then please leave me alone.

HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

HE: Your body is like a temple
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: I hope you didn't hurt yourself when fell to earth from heaven.
SHE: No, but it looks like you landed on your face!

[Osman]

Beware the ghost of Rabiya!!! :eek:

And that joke was soooooo funny!!! :lol: :lolwhack:

[Umara]

good joke!! :cool: :p :p :cool: :cool: :cool:

[Ratatosk]

A creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

1) religion
2) royalty
3) sex
4) suspense

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"


***

Okay, but it's still not as good as the probably best joke I've heard, ever (http://forums.understanding-islam.org/community/showpost.php?p=13275&postcount=1).

It still cracks me up. Every time.

[muhtadiyah]

excellent!

and here's one of my favorites:

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Because he had a chicken stapled to his face.

still funny after all these years...

[zAk]

A creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

1) religion
2) royalty
3) sex
4) suspense

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

:p :D :) tht was funny !


It still cracks my up.:eek: :rolleyes: :confused: :cool:

[Ratatosk]

Salaam zAk,


It still cracks my up.
Sorry, mere sloppy typing. Is corrected now, as you can see (http://forums.understanding-islam.org/community/showpost.php?p=24193&postcount=47). I was refering to this (http://forums.understanding-islam.org/community/showpost.php?p=13275&postcount=1). "Do you mean now..?" Man, it's funny...

Regards,

[Osman]

Um . . . yeah . . .. so funny man.

[Maryam]

;) ;) ;) ;)

[muhtadiyah]

Um . . . yeah . . .. so funny man.But it is funny in a pythonesque kind of way.

Ratatosk, I think of everyone here, you might appreciate this (http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html?/). Some of them are delightfully wretched.

Did anyone understand the chicken joke at all? I should never even attempt humor. It's not my forte. :frownhead :crying2:

peace,
muhtadiyah

[Shirley]

Salaams,

The chicken punk joke was okaaayyy, but try this one...

How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

























Goldfish.



I nearly had an aneurysm when i heard that the first time LMAO:

[Maryam]

lol :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :brow: :brow: :brow: :shiny: :shiny:

[notorious]

True Football Fan

Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when i noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line 10 rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife use to love to come to these games until she died."

"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.

He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."



A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"



A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"




An irish man walks out of a pub








it could happen you know :p

[muhtadiyah]

Very funny notorious and sr. Shirley! The first time I heard the surrealist joke, I think the punchline was 'radio'...not that it matters much. :)
The chicken punk joke was okaaayyy, but try this one...Alas, point taken, I will leave the light-hearted land of General Jokes and return with heavy step to the dreary domain of Islamic Discussions and Interfaith Dialogue where I belong.... :byebye:

peace,
muhtadiyah

[Shirley]

Aw sis, just pullin yer leg! :p



:comeback:

[muhtadiyah]

I can't come back...now my leg hurts... :36_1_38:

[Ratatosk]

I will leave the light-hearted land of General Jokes

I can't come back...now my leg hurts...
:D Oi, where's yer goil powah, sis? :D

[Ratatosk]

Salaam,

Wow, I just found a strange pic. Okay, the name is not spelled the same way, but the likeness is too uncanny...

"Once a champ ..."

peace

[muhtadiyah]

:D Oi, where's yer goil powah, sis? :D How's this?
http://www.fhwa.dot.gov/wit/rosie1.jpg

Or in deference to our more sensitive brothers:
http://llamabutchers.mu.nu/archives/riyahd%20rosie%20the%20riveter.jpg

By the way Ratatosk, since you seem to be savvy in all matters European, could you explain to me some of the mysterious terms I listed in this post? (http://forums.understanding-islam.org/community/showpost.php?p=24079&postcount=20) I think my favorite is 'lemon squeezy.' I would love to know it's appropriate usage.

peace,
muhtadiyah

[Ratatosk]

Salaam,

all matters EuropeanAren't those australian slang? Dunno, but I'm under the impression.

Anyhow;
Hard cheese = Tough luck
The Full Monty = Full frontal nudity
Blagger = Bum, cheapskate, petty thief
Fnarr = Onomatopoetry
Lemon squeezy = Short for the full phrase "Easy peasy, lemon squeezy"
Roll up the rim = A game
Diamond geezer = Ace dude
It's salt = Short for "worth its' salt"
You nong = You idiot
I suppose Fred Nerk did it? = The proverbial imaginery dude
On yer bike = Get lost


$0.02

PS: Isn't Rosie long gone by now?

[Ansar Al-Haq]

:toofunny: Lol! Ratty that FOB pic was great, you intelligent nong! :D You're such a blagger to take FOB's identity!

ps. we don't want any full montys in any upcoming fob pics :eek: AAAAAAH!

[Ratatosk]

..full montys in any upcoming fob pics...

*shudder*

[muhtadiyah]

PS: Isn't Rosie long gone by now?Well, yes, the myth marketers did put her in a housedress and shoo her back into the kitchen as soon as WWII was over and the boys came home. But Rosie the Riveter has made a bit of a pop-culture comeback in recent years, as a symbol of 'goil powah'. Personally, I think she's great. Here's the famous Rockwell pic:

http://images.art.com/images/products/regular/10105000/10105342.jpg

peace,
muhtadiyah

[Ratatosk]

I thought this one was pretty cute:

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?"

[Guest]

Hey i found one that made me laugh. An insult to Pakistanis, but a laugh:p!

There were 3 police officers. One was American, one was British and one was Pakistani. That night there was a murder. Next morning a news reporter came up to the American one and asked, "how long would it take you to solve this crime?" The American officer replied, "'Bout 2 or 3 weeks ma'am." She then went up to the British officer and asked him the same question, "how long would it take you to solve this crime?" He replied, "Oh about a week missy, us Englishmen are keen detectives (after that Holmes guy no doubt)". She then went to the Pakistani officer and asked him, "how long would it take you to solve this crime?" He replied, "Oh i knew about it 2 months in advance!" :D:D:D

[Ansar Al-Haq]

Salaam bros,

You know I've decided to stand up for Fob. He's not as dumb as everyone thinks he is.

Infact, I found out that he is delivering fatwas on Saudi TV!

See for yourself:

[zAk]

lol ! tht was nice ansar !:p
Sheikh FOB giving out Fatawas ! :D

[Ratatosk]

Gotta hand it to 'im; FOB! is an enigmatic dude. Nice pic.

[Guest]

Hey, btw, was Nadeem FOB? I missed a bit, lol.

[Ansar Al-Haq]

Gotta hand it to 'im; FOB! is an enigmatic dude. Nice pic.
Thanks! I'm following in your footsteps.