Jokes II [Archive] - Understanding Islam Community

vinod

22nd June 2005, 04:57

PORTLAND, OR (UPS) Thousands of residents of the Pacific Northwest
witnessed what could only be described as an incredible phenomenon on
Tuesday, May 2nd. It may very well have been the single largest UFO
sighting in the United States. Several people called in to local
newspapers, radio and TV stations, weather centers, and airports to report
"a giant, yellow, glowing ball of light" that emerged in the early morning
hours, and remained aloft until the late afternoon.

Witnesses described the ball as being "so bright, you couldn't look at it
directly." Many people reported having to shield their eyes while outside.
According to most eyewitness accounts, the large circular ball appear in
the eastern horizon, and slowly worked its way westward across the sky, until
finally disappearing from view behind the Coastal Mountain Range. Several
persons reported the occurances of several bizarre phenomenon while the UFO
as aloft. Some people reported seeing the sky literally "open up and turn
blue", where others reported a rise in temperatures by almost 10 degrees F
in exposed areas.

Local authorities, scientists, and goverment agencies don't have an
explanation for the sighting. According to FAA spokesmen, no known
aircraft matching the UFO's flight pattern were seen on radar during the
sighting, and even UFOlogists are baffeled by its appearance. Explanation
or not, however, this event will surely go down in Northwest history.

vinod

22nd June 2005, 05:03

> WOMEN TO TALK WITH YOU LIVE!!
> UNFORGETTABLE CONVERSATIONS!!
> CALL THIS EXCLUSIVE 24-HOUR HOTLINE!!!
> 1-900-484-9000 EXT.2874
> $3.99 PER MIN.
> MUST BE 18 YRS.
> PROCALL CO.(602)954-7420

*beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep*

*ring* ... *ring* ... *rin..* *click*

"Extension 2874, please."

"Just one moment. I'll be connecting you with Candie"

"I'm allergic to sugar."

"What?"

"Never mind."

*ring* ... *ring* ... *click*

"Hi! I'm Candie! What's your name?"

"Are you allergic to sugar, too?"

"What?"

"You can call me Al."

"Oooo. I _like_ guys named Al. The way it sounds just _turns me
on_..."

"You don't listen to Paul Simon, do you?"

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"Oh. Well, Al, I guess it doesn't really matter. As long as I get
excited, that's all that's important. Are you excited, Al?"

"I think so. Yeah, I guess I am. But I'm afraid I don't know what I'm
supposed to do next."

"Well, sugar, I'm here so we can talk and have a good time. What do you
want to talk about?"

"Do you really believe that objects can't move faster than the speed of
light?"

"What?"

"Which word didn't you understand?"

"Huh?"

"You're not a Val Kilmer fan, either, are you?"

"Look. I don't know what's going on here, but this isn't very funny."

"You're half right."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean? I think I've just about had enough
of all of this."

"Is that your _real_ voice?"

*click*

Cheers,
-+JLS

(c) 1994, seagull@netcom.com

vinod

22nd June 2005, 06:54

Subject: Wow. Tech support Hell.
From: Andrew Twyman <kurgan@mit.edu>

This falls into the "Why did it have to happen on *MY* shift?" category.

A friend of mine is a chief engineer at SuperMac, and he related this
story to me.

SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random,
to keep tabs on customer satisfaction. By wild "luck", they managed to
catch the following conversation on tape.

Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official...
from the legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good
English, and fairly calmly described the problem.

It seemed there was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However,
the national armoury for that city was kept in the same building as the
Legislature, and it seems that there was a combination lock on the door
to the armoury. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the
Chief of the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armourer knew the combination to
the lock, and they had already been killed.

So, this officer of the government of Trinidad continued, the problem is
this. The combination to the lock is stored in a file on the Macintosh,
but the file has been encrypted with the SuperMac product called Sentinel.
Was there any chance, he asked, that there was a "back door" to the
application, so they could get the combination, open the armoury door,
and defend the Capitol Building and the legitimately elected government
of Trinidad against the insurgents?

All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound
of gunfire in the background. The Technical Support guy put the person on
hold. A phone call to the phone company verified that the origin of the
call was in fact Trinidad. Meanwhile, there was this mad scramble to see
if anybody knew of any "back doors" in the Sentinel program.

As it turned out, Sentinel uses DES to encrypt the files, and there was
no known back door. The Tech Support fellow told the customer that aside
from trying to guess the password, there was no way through Sentinel, and
that they'd be better off trying to physically destroy the lock.

The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up.
That night, the legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC
reporters mentioned that the casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol,
where for some reason, there seemed to be little return fire from the
government forces.

O.K., so they shouldn't have kept the combination in so precarious a
fashion. But it does place, "I can't see my Microsoft Mail server"
complaints in a different sort of perspective, does it not?

muhtadiyah

22nd June 2005, 16:31

Ratatosk

2nd July 2005, 11:31

Okay, this might be a bit culturally dependent, but it's funny anyhoo.

Q: What do you get if you cross a mormon and an atheist?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

:D

Halima

6th July 2005, 00:35

A man spoke frantically into the phone:
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

hahahah that's funny :D I can play that joke on my husband if I get married.

Osman

15th August 2005, 20:04

Salaam,

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Bill clinton says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.

ilyas

15th August 2005, 20:47

Okay, this might be a bit culturally dependent, but it's funny anyhoo.

Q: What do you get if you cross a mormon and an atheist?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

:D
Thats a good joke but you could put Jehovas witness or missionary instead of mormon

but i have to say it was funny after i finally did get it

ThomasJ

16th August 2005, 01:27

A Buddhist walks into a pizza parlor and says to the owner 'make me one with everything" :clown:
The pie costs $16.00, and the Buddhist gives him a $20.00 bill The storeowner thanks him, puts it into the register and walks away.
"Excuse me, change?" asks the Buddhist, and the storeowner replies
"Ah, change comes from within". :clown:

Ratatosk

8th September 2005, 08:13

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Ratatosk

8th September 2005, 08:19

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Ratatosk

8th September 2005, 08:22

Bob stood over his golf tee sot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked,
"C'mon Bob, what is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Forget it," his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a chance of hitting her from here."

Osman

15th September 2005, 19:26

Salaam,

Those were very funny ones Ratsy!

There a was a very pious Muslim who came into a non-Muslim town. He gave dawah to them and the whole town became Muslim. So he taught them how to pray, make wudhu, and so forth. After a while, the man had to go on a journey. The day that he had to leave though, he remembered that he forgot to tell them about Ramadhan. So he gathered all the townspeople together and told them about Ramadhan. He said "When Ramadhan comes, you can't eat, drink or touch your spouses until sunset." So then he left.

A few months pass by and the man decides to return to the town. When he arrives, everyone is lined up like they are ready for battle. They have swords, shields, pitchforks, etc. So the man walks up and asks one of the men there "what are all you guys doing?" The man replied "We're waiting for Ramadhan."

vinod

19th September 2005, 08:09

Dog Commandments

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watchest me eat.

Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy findeth in the yard.

Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises.

Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.

Thou shalt not WATCHEST the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she liketh her privacy)

Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence and then walk away as if thou hast been offended by me!

Thou shalt not run away in pursuit of a good time. (thou hast been neutered)

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

Thou shalt not hide thy bones under my pillow.

Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encountereth.

Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 3 a.m.

Thou shalt refrain with becoming overly friendly with my mother-in-law's leg.

muhtadiyah

19th September 2005, 15:39

There a was a very pious Muslim who came into a non-Muslim town. He gave dawah to them and the whole town became Muslim. So he taught them how to pray, make wudhu, and so forth. After a while, the man had to go on a journey. The day that he had to leave though, he remembered that he forgot to tell them about Ramadhan. So he gathered all the townspeople together and told them about Ramadhan. He said "When Ramadhan comes, you can't eat, drink or touch your spouses until sunset." So then he left.

A few months pass by and the man decides to return to the town. When he arrives, everyone is lined up like they are ready for battle. They have swords, shields, pitchforks, etc. So the man walks up and asks one of the men there "what are all you guys doing?" The man replied "We're waiting for Ramadhan." :confused:

Did they think Ramadhan was a person?

Osman

19th September 2005, 16:52

Salam your ladyship,

Yeah, they did! Get it?! :D No . . ? :comma:

Btw, nice one Vinod!

Ramsey

20th September 2005, 18:28

When day broke he <the Little Swallow> flew down to the river and had a bath. "What a remarkable phenomenon," said the Professor of Ornithology as he was passing over the bridge. "A swallow in winter!" And he wrote a long letter about it to the local newspaper. Every one quoted it, it was full of so many words that they could not understand.

Ratatosk

20th September 2005, 19:52

"To-night I go to Egypt," said <the little swallow>, and he was in high spirits at the prospect. He visited all the public monuments, and sat a long time on top of the church steeple. Wherever he went the Sparrows chirruped, and said to each other, "What a distinguished stranger!" so he enjoyed himself very much.

muhtadiyah

22nd September 2005, 22:12

I <muhtadiyah> am confused by the previous posts. Can someone <Ratatosk or Ramsey> please explain?

Ratatosk

23rd September 2005, 06:08

Oscar Wilde.

muhtadiyah

23rd September 2005, 07:08

OK, but why is it a joke? :confused:

Ratatosk

23rd September 2005, 09:59

Salam o' most esteemed lady,

Thou hath to query Ramsey regarding. I was only contributing to the prank. Alas!, to no avail.

Regards,

muhtadiyah

23rd September 2005, 16:15

Al Sinjab Kabir doesn't get it either? Now I feel much better... :D

peace,
muhtadiyah

Ratatosk

23rd September 2005, 16:17

Salam,

Nein, ich verstehe ganz nichts von dieses Konversation. Translation: you're quite correct.

Regards,

Osman

23rd September 2005, 19:42

Salam,

Did I ever mention what a bunch of fruitcakes you guys are? :D Ich habe Ratatosk gegessen.

Ratatosk

15th December 2005, 20:15

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits
on it.

They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into
it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN

If you have chosen:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring
you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

Ratatosk

15th December 2005, 20:16

Oh yeah, try this (http://www.monkeytrain.com/images/funny/dumb_test.jpg) one. It's kinda hard.

Ramsey

17th December 2005, 23:31

OK, but why is it a joke? :confused:

Sorry, I haven't looked at this thread for a while.

It can be seen as a satire of many pseudo intellectuals. Often they will write things and fill them with so many terms that no one can understand it. It also pokes fun at many people who are fooled by such works.

I have an odd and rare sense of humor.

vinod

19th December 2005, 03:53

RATATATATATATATATOOOOSK

That was an awesome joke. But I'm also incredibly peeved. I was expecting some profound insight. I'm coming to get you for this. I chose strawberry.

Ratatosk

10th January 2006, 20:51

Gateepee grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, in Cape Town.

He went to college and law school. After his studies he decided to go back to Mitchell's Plain, because he could be a big man in Tafelsig.

There he opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk and decided to make a big impression. As the man came to the door Gateepee pretended to be on the phone and motioned the man to take a seat. Gateepee said into the phone:

"No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than a million.

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear the case next week.

"I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.

"Okay. Give the State Prosecutor my regards and .. "

The visitor sat patiently as Gateepee rattled instructions.

Finally, Gateepee put down the telephone and said:

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man said:

"I'm from Telkom. I've come to connect your phone."

Ratatosk

10th January 2006, 21:03

Physical Exercise

This is really great! The doctor told me, "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. You too can get fit!

Monday: Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through paperwork
Tuesday: Drag my heels Push my luck Make mountains out of molehills Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday: Bend over backwards Jump on the bandwagon Balance the books Run around in circles
Thursday: Toot my own horn Climb the ladder of success Pull out the stops Add fuel to the fire
Friday: Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge
Saturday: Pick up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! You are invited to use my program without charge!

You might want to take it easy at first, and then do it faster as you become more proficient.

** ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM **

SCROLL DOWN

NOW SCROLL UP.................Feel the burn?

vinod

11th January 2006, 05:47

Ratatosk

I felt the burn in the choose the fruit joke that you posted. The last was not so bad in burning. It was definitely funny.

By the way, what does the idiom 'climb the wall' mean?

Regards

Ratatosk

11th January 2006, 06:47

Clicky. (http://www.answers.com/topic/climb-the-walls)

Roswell

12th January 2006, 12:41

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order !!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY .

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

31

32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

Tomorrow I'll send you ABCD for your treatment. :D

Roswell

12th January 2006, 12:42

A man and a woman, who have never met before,

find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.
After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness,
they both go to sleep,the man in the upper berth and the woman in
the lower berth.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the
woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold,
and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me
another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her
eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend
that we're married.

" The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!" :locked:

The woman says, "GOOD.....get your own blanket!" :brow:

Roswell

12th January 2006, 12:46

Driving Styles ...

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
-Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to Pakistan! :D

Roswell

12th January 2006, 12:50

" As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... "
Sir Norman Wisdom

" One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. "
Edgar Watson Howe

" A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! "
Doug Larson

" A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! "
Eric Bolton

" When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. "
Erno Philips

" I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. "
Robert Paul

" We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. "
Phyllis Diller

" Laughter is the closest distance between two people. "
Victor Borge

" Start every day with a smile and get it over with. "
W.C. Fields

" Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. "
Will Rogers

" Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. "
Mickey Rooney

" Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. "
Tim Allen

" I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Woody Allen

" Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. "
Erica Jong

" Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. "
Elbert Hubbard

" Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. "
Wendell Johnson

" In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. "
Joey Adams

" I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. "
Henry Youngman

" Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ? "
Benny Hill

No Comments

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y212/nastaran/chat.jpg

Kleiderscope Tara

22nd January 2006, 16:59

i didn't get the last one either -

:confused:

Kleiderscope Tara

22nd January 2006, 17:03

ignore that last comment! answering summat else (doh!!) :D

Darqawi

3rd February 2006, 12:37

Two blondes !

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progress ively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

abdel rafee

5th February 2006, 14:32

abdel rafee

5th February 2006, 14:35

Sara

6th February 2006, 22:32

Which Airlines do u fly ???

Lufthansa:

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"

After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean.All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim
away from the plane.For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane...

---THANK YOU FOR FLYING LUFTHANSA- "

Air INDIA:

"This is Captain Sharma speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard AIR INDIA flight 602 from Mumbai to London. We are
currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.""If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."

Air France:

There once was a flight heading from London to NewYork. Halfway during the flight, the captain suddenly comes over the intercom system..."This is Captain Jean-Pierre Lalonde speaking. I have a bit of bad news for you. We have lost our first left engine,but never fear, we can still make it using only three engines.But because of the loss of power, we will be two hours late." Time goes on, and once again the PA system crackles to life..."This is again your Captain. We have lost an engine on our starboard wing. But rest assured that our plane can fly using only two engines. Due to the re! duced power, we will now be four hours late."The flight goes on, when the passengers hear the now familiar sound of the address system... "Guess what, folks! We lost another engine, but nothing to fear. We can still make it using only one engine. But now we will be six hours late. "On hearing this, an elderly lady turned to the person sitting next to her, and said:"I hope we don't lose ANOTHER engine. I'll be late for my connecting flight from New York!"

Philippine Airlines:

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mabuhay!, this is your Captain Biglang-awa speaking, We are now over the Philippine trench where you can find the deepest part of the Pacific ocean.Here you can also find almost all the ferocious creatures in the sea, there's the killer sharks, barracudas and many others. And now for the finale, please, stay calm and don't panic for both our engines are dead and we are now going down into that ocean. Please wear your life vest. We are going to crashland this plane into the water. In the meantime, I would like you to follow everything I'm going to say, repeat after me: "Our Father Who is in Heaven,Holy be Your name.........."

Sara

6th February 2006, 22:36

HOW TO GET LEAVE...

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY"
then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I
was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was
"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are
clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days"
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her"...And where do you think you're
going?"

You're gonna love this...............

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark..

Ratatosk

29th August 2006, 08:20

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"´

***

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal servant and an endless supply of delicacies." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

***

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course."
Canadians: "No. I say again, you divert your course."
Americans: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic Fleet! We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels! I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, that's one-five degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!"
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

Ratatosk

29th August 2006, 08:38

Pregnancy Q&A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is quite enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after s/he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a supermodel?
A: Nothing at all (if the husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by three.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in much the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Does pregnancy cause migraine?
A: Yes, actually pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Ratatosk

10th October 2006, 10:53

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

Ratatosk

20th October 2006, 06:58

Pam received a parrot for her birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Pam tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music and anything she could think of.
Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird. The bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird just got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Pam put the bird in the freezer and shut the door. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking and kicking and then suddenly there was quiet. Pam was frightened that she may have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Pam's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Pam was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had caused the change when the parrot continued: "Might I ask what the chicken did?"

Ratatosk

20th October 2006, 07:10

Two missionaries get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it!
He says, "Whats wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this? "
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

:comma:

Ratatosk

28th November 2006, 19:53

Q: Where can you find a dog with no legs?
A: The last place you left it.

***

Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing?
A: She had no arms.

DocW

11th December 2006, 21:29

Did you hear about the pepsi executive who got sacked?

he tested positive for coke.

DocW

11th December 2006, 21:31

I have CDO.

Its like Obsessive compulsive disorder,only it's in alphabetical order, just as it should be.

DocW

13th December 2006, 21:41

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

DocW

15th December 2006, 16:33

ULTIMATE TRUTHS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
1 Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

2 To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

3 The road to success…….. is always under construction.

4 Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk..

5 In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

6 Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

7 If at first you don't succeed…. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.
8 He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

9 If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late…… the bus is still late.

10 Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

11 If you have paper, you don't have a pen……. If you have a pen, you don't have paper…… if you have both, no one calls.

12 If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

13 All Govt buses are crowded. Corollary----- The Govt buses in opposite direction always go empty.

14 The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

15 After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

DocW

6th January 2007, 15:54

I recently took up meditation-It beats sitting around all day

DocW

8th January 2007, 07:58

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi. They are all fishing out in the lake when all of a sudden the Baptist has to go to the bathroom. So he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back. Then all of a sudden the rabbi has to go, so he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back.
Then the Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water, so he swims back, gets back into the boat, looks up, and says, ''God, let me walk across the water.'' Then he tries again and falls into the water, so he swims back, tries again and he falls again.

The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and says, ''Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?''

DocW

11th January 2007, 17:45

Tough Question

tough questions are you ready?

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids
already, three who were deaf, two who were blind,
one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the
response for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only
your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three
candidates.

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also
chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
noon , used opium in college and drinks a quart of
whiskey every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never
cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the
response.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion
question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading..

Never be afraid to try some thing new.
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals. ..built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the
last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

DocW

16th January 2007, 07:07

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV (Depertment of Motor Vehicles) to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

DocW

19th January 2007, 05:55

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they
decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to designate a person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope,because as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husbandand kids, or for men in general, and she was used to always makingsacrifices, with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

DocW

22nd January 2007, 20:22

Why? Why?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

quicksand can work slowly,

boxing rings are square,

a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.

You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

DocW

25th January 2007, 12:25

a man has to do what a man has to do, a woman has to do what he can't"

DocW

25th January 2007, 12:26

A man has to do what a man has to do, a women has to do what a man can't do

DocW

27th January 2007, 20:03

Living in 2007
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6 You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if any one is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Ramsey

28th January 2007, 14:53

DocW

30th January 2007, 06:46

Blonde joke

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs"

DocW

31st January 2007, 06:16

NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren 't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

DocW

1st February 2007, 06:26

The note on the drinks machine in our coffee area warned;

' Diet coke is'nt working.'

Beneath that someone else had written;

' Try exercise and a low carbohydrate diet.'

DocW

1st February 2007, 06:35

When a friend announced that he and his wife were going on holiday to ski.

I couldn't believe it. They weren't the outdoorsy type.

'But it's true.' He insisted.

' We 're going to France to SKI- Spend our Kid's Inheritance.'

DocW

1st February 2007, 10:31

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply Using the sink.

5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a Timer.

6. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, Use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move And does, use the duct tape.

DocW

8th February 2007, 17:23

The Trucker and the Blonde
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Nirvana

9th February 2007, 03:00

Ya told this joke wrong. The trucker was the girl and the guy was the blond.

Ratatosk

9th February 2007, 04:47

But.. but.. then it just becomes a broken joke.. ? :huh:

Although it does become funnier if it makes no sense at all.

Ratatosk

9th February 2007, 08:43

The Trucker and the Blonde (revised edition)

As a blonde stops for a red light, a trucker catches up. She jumps out of her truck, runs up to his car, and knocks on the door. The blonde lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Henrietta and I'm losing some of my load."

The blonde ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the car stops for another red light, the trucker catches up again. She jumps out of her truck, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the blonde lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the trucker says brightly, "Hi my name is Henrietta, and I'm losing some of my load!"

Shaking his head, the blonde ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the trucker gets out of her truck, runs up, knocks on the car door. The blonde rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Henrietta, and I'm losing some of my load!"

When the light turns green the blonde revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the car, and runs back to the trucker.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Larry, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving MY CAR!"

***

You're right, it is better that way.

DocW

10th February 2007, 03:40

A dog thinks...hey these people I live with feed me, love me, provide a nice warm dry house, pet me, and take care of me...they must be gods!!!

A cat thinks...hey these people I live with feed me, love me, provide a nice warm dry house, pet me, and take care of me...i must be a god!!!

Dave

13th February 2007, 05:25

Adam and Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve. :giggling:

DocW

17th February 2007, 05:29

CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL ..............

This has got to be one of the funniest things I've heard of in a Long

time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a

True phone call from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed

from a Recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to

say

the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing

the

WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is

actual

Dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know

why they record these conversations!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went

away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it

have

a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power

cord

goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into

the

wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two

cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the

other

cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back

of

your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because

it's

dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in

from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do

you

still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came

in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it

was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it

from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer

DocW

21st February 2007, 06:19

Serving Two Masters

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

Dave

21st February 2007, 07:48

A man was selling his horse, and an interested buyer came to investigate.

The seller said,
"There's something you should know about the horse. He stops running when you say, 'Amen,' and he starts running when you say, 'Praise the Lord.'"

"No problem," the other man said, "I'll take it."

The man began to ride away on the horse. He decided to test the horse. "Amen," he said, and the horse stopped on the road just as the other man had said.

"Praise the Lord!" The horse took off running like mad. The rider held on as tight as he could. As he noticed they were racing towards a cliff, he began screaming, "Stop!!! Stop, you stupid horse!! Whoah!!" Nothing worked. So he began praying, "Dear God, PLEASE let the horse stop! PLEASE!!! AMEN!"

The horse stopped right at the edge of the cliff. With great enthusiasm and with joy the man screamed, "PRAISE THE LORD!!"

DocW

23rd February 2007, 05:34

RULES FOR WHICH REASONS ARE NOT KNOWN …

The rules however work …………………………..

Lorenze's Law of Mechanical repair :

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch .

Anthony's Law of the workshop :

Any tool or spare part, when dropeed, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Kovac's Conundrum :

When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Cannon's Karmic Law :

If you use the excuse that you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will actually have a flat tyre.

O'brien's variation law :

If you change queues, the one you have left will start move faster than the one you are in now.

Bell's theorem :

As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring.

Ruby's principle of close encounters :

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are in a situation where you do not want to be seen by anybody.

Willoughby's law :

When you try to prove to the repairman that a machine doesn't work, it will .

Zadra's law of biomechanics :

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reachability of the area.

Breda's rule :

Any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Owen's Law :

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Wooly's law :

When you are working late, the boss will never be around. When you are surfing the net the boss will always drop by !

DocW

24th February 2007, 17:24

Recipe For A Miracle

Ingredients and directions . . .

1 cup Tension
2 cups Stress
1 teaspoon of Guilt
2 heaping cups of Limited Time
3/4 tablespoon of Urgency
A dash of "No Other Choice"
3 heaping cups of Faith

Fold ingredients gently into a bowl. Mix vigorously and add a few tears as needed. You'll sweat a little as you knead the dough. Pack it firmly between your hopes and dreams and form into a perfect little ball. Sprinkle it with a little faith, rolling the ball in love until fully covered.

Place it under a veil of belief and allow it to rise.

Now put it in an oven that has been pre-set at the perfect temperature for the heat of trials and tribulations.

Allow it to brown under the warmth of God's love. Remove after due season and allow to cool in the confidence of His promise.

Garnish with your praises. Arrange neatly on a platter of thankfulness and serve to friends, families and, oh yes, strangers . . . invite them too!

Pass on this recipe to all who request it and let them know that with this recipe, they can have the makings of a miracle!

Addendum -- Hebrews 11:6 (NIV) "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him."

Dave

25th February 2007, 22:49

Noah was a great financier...

Why?

Because he "floated his assets while the world was in liquidation".

DocW

26th February 2007, 05:57

WHAT GENDER IS A COMPUTER?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Dave

27th February 2007, 05:06

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM !, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says," "No, even more important." The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it?"

The trooper replys "No, even more important."

"It isn't the President is it?"

"No, more important", replies the trooper.

"Well, WHO is it!", screams the chief.

"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!" :giggling:

DocW

27th February 2007, 23:19

When people ask me how old I am. I tell them I'm 39- with 25 years experience

Chuck Norris aged 64

DocW

27th February 2007, 23:21

Why should you never marry a tennis player ?

Love means nothing to them

DocW

2nd March 2007, 05:40

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzio's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.

Don't ya just love lawyers?

DocW

10th March 2007, 01:40

This is pretty cool!!

now don't feel real bad if you can't figure it out=====I had to look too!!!!!

See if you can figure out what all of the following words have in common:

Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo
Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up?

Give It Another Try

You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at
them again; think hard.

OK... Here you go....hope you didn't cheat.....

This is cool..... SCROLL DOWN

Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter.. place it
at the end of the word....and then spell the word backwards... .. it

DocW

10th March 2007, 14:03

Few Definitions

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after?

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

DocW

12th March 2007, 06:38

Why Old Folks Don't Have Babies
With the miracle of fertility treatments, a woman was able to have a baby at the age of 65. When she was discharged from hospital, her relatives came to visit.

"Can we see the baby?" they asked.

"Not yet, " said the 65 year old mother.

Twenty minutes later, they asked again.

"Can we see the baby?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

Another twenty minutes later, they asked again.

"Can we see the baby?"

"Not yet," said the mother.

Growing very impatient, they said.

"Well, when can we see the baby then ?"

"When it cries."

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries? "

"Because I forgot where I put it."

DocW

14th March 2007, 06:39

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued ... and WON! (Stay with me here.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine

goldenglobe

14th March 2007, 07:07

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

goldenglobe

14th March 2007, 07:10

Once, the people of the city invited Mulla Nasruddin to deliver a speech. When he got on the minbar (pulpit), he found the audience was not very enthusiastic, so he asked "Do you know what I am going to say?" The audience replied "NO", so he announced "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about" and he left. The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day. This time when he asked the same question, the people replied "YES" So Mullah Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time" and he left. Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mullah to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?" Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "YES" while the other half replied "NO". So Mullah Nasruddin said "The half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the other half" and he left!

DocW

20th March 2007, 05:16

Pakistan cricket team

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?
The entire Pakistani Innings.
Where do Pakistani batsmen perform there best?
In Advertisements.
When would Rana-Naveed have 100 runs against his name?
When he is bowling.
What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Pakistani batsmen?
The walk back to the pavilion.
How to increase the chances of Pakistani batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs?
Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.
What is the Pakistani version of a hat-trick?
3 runs in 3 balls
What is the height of optimism ?
Inzi coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.

DIVORCE COURT SCENE :
The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG):
Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live
with your mummy?
LG - No, my mummy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the Pakistan Cricket team, they never
beat anybody !!!

DocW

30th March 2007, 19:52

A male and female driver are involved in a horrific collision. Amazingly both escape unhurt, though their cars are written off.

As they crawl from the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and beautiful. She turns to him and gushes breathiliy; "We shouldn't have survived that. Maybe its a sign from God that we're meant to be together!"

Sensing that he could be on to a good thing, the man stammers back," Oh yes, I agree completely!"

"And look," she continues, " Though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine is intact, too! It's another sign. Let's drink to our love!"

"Well OK!" says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half and hands it back. "Your turn", he says

" No thanks", says the woman. "I'll just wait for the police".

DocW

4th April 2007, 12:10

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

DocW

12th April 2007, 17:55

The first divorce directly related to the September 11th terrorist attacks has been filed in New York. It appears a guy with an office on the 103rd floor of the world trade centre spent the morning at his girl friend's apartment with his phone turned off. He wasn't watching TV either. When he turned his phone back at about 11am, it rang immediately. It was his hysterical wife," Are you O.K? Where are you?" He said,"What do you mean?I'm in my office of course!"

DocW

12th April 2007, 17:57

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then he returned to his paper.

The priest thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong, how long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

DocW

12th April 2007, 17:59

You have two choices in life:You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

DocW

12th May 2007, 16:26

"I had a life, now I have a computer and a modem."

- Quote in a computer megazine -

DocW

12th May 2007, 21:01

1. I 've just got the bill for my operation. Now I know why those guys were wearing masks.

Jim Boren

2.Gentle is a lovely word used to describe the action of a laxative

William Feather

3. My wife has had plastic surgery- I cut all her credit cards in half.

Ray Brown

4. I am in shape . Round is a shape.

Roseanne Barr.

5.Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

George Carlin

DocW

13th May 2007, 05:34

The Americans have a proud and noble tradition of being utterly hopeless in warfare. They lost in vietnam, they lost in Somalia, they lost in the Bay of Pigs and though they won the Gulf war, they managed to kill more British soldiers than the Iraqis.

Jeremy Clarkson

DocW

13th May 2007, 05:36

My favourite British weather forecast, culled from a newspaper, reads in toto,"Dry and warm, but cooler with some rain."

Bill Bryson

DocW

14th May 2007, 08:19

An oxymoron is when two contradictory concepts are juxtaposed such as in "footballing brain"

Patrick Murray

DocW

14th May 2007, 08:21

For sincere personal advice and the correct time, phone any number at random at 3.am

Steve Martin

Ratatosk

14th May 2007, 08:43

For sincere personal advice and the correct time, phone any number at random at 3.am

Steve Martin
If one knows that it's 3 AM, one doesn't need to call to get the correct time, I think. Ah, I better have a word with brother Martin.

DocW

24th May 2007, 11:49

Walking with legs apart
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong.

DocW

24th May 2007, 12:01

Getting Older II
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

vinod

24th May 2007, 15:19

22 was the best.

DocW

28th May 2007, 16:37

Just a bit Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

DocW

29th May 2007, 11:22

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

DocW

7th June 2007, 14:03

" You've got to help me"Farmer John told a council official,"speeding drivers are killing my chickens."

The enxt day, workers erected a sign near the farm:" slow-school crossing."

Three days later, John called again," That sign's not helping, people ignore it."

So the official sent out workers with a new sign: "slow0children at play."

Three days later, Farmer john picked up the phone again," That did't work either. Can I make my own sign?"

The official agreed. Three weeks later, he called John back,"How's the new sign working for you?" he asked.

"Great!" the farmer replied." Not one chicken has been killed since I put it up."

"Really?" what does it say?"

" Nudist colony-go slow and watch for the chicks."

DocW

8th June 2007, 05:41

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of
either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got
caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

DocW

11th June 2007, 23:31

There is a good old barber in London

THERE IS THIS GOOD OLD BARBER IN LONDON.

ONE DAY A FLORIST GOES TO HIM FOR A HAIRCUT. AFTER THE CUT, HE GOES
TO PAY THE BARBER AND THE BARBER REPLIES: "I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING THECOMMUNITY SERVICE." THE FLORIST IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP. NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A "THANK YOU" CARD AND A DOZEN ROSES WAITING AT HIS DOOR.

POLICEMAN GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER
AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: "I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM
YOU. I AM DOING THE COMMUNITY SERVICE. THE COP IS HAPPY AND LEAVES THE SHOP. THE NEXT MORNING THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, THERE IS A THANK YOU CARD AND A DOZEN DONUTS AND A CANCELLED PARKING TICKET ARE WAITING AT HIS DOOR.

AN INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER GOES FOR A HAIRCUT AND HE ALSO GOES TO PAY THE BARBER AFTER THE CUT. BUT THE BARBER REPLIES: "I AM SORRY. I CANNOT ACCEPT MONEY FROM YOU. I AM DOING THE COMMUNITY SERVICE. " THE INDIAN SOFTWARE ENGINEER IS HAPPY AND LEAVES.

THE NEXT MORNING WHEN THE BARBER GOES TO OPEN HIS SHOP, GUESS WHAT HE FINDS THERE...

TRY TO GUESS

COME ON, THINK LIKE AN INDIAN..........Or Scroll dopwn.......

A DOZEN INDIANS WAITING FOR A HAIRCUT..............

DocW

13th June 2007, 11:44

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

DocW

13th June 2007, 11:47

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends....

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

DocW

30th June 2007, 13:00

TO ALL THOSE WHO WERE BORN IN THE 50's and 60's / early 70s

First, we survived with mothers who had no maids. They cooked /cleaned while taking care of us at the same time.

They took aspirin, candies floss,fizzy drinks, shaved ice with syrups and diabetes were rare. Salt added to Pepsi or Coke was a remedy for fever.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

As children, we would ride with our parents on bicycles/ motorcycles for 2 or 3. Richer ones in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a private taxi was a special treat.

We drank water from the tap and NOT from a bottle.

We would spend hours on the fields under bright sunlight flying our kites, without worrying about the UV rays which never seemed to affect us.

We went into the jungle to catch spiders without worries of Aedes mosquitoes.

With 5 pebbles (stones) we would play an endless game. With a ball (tennis ball best) boys would run like crazy for hours.

We caught guppies in drains / canals and when it rained we swam there.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually worried about being unhygenic.

We ate salty, very sweet & oily food, candies,bread and real butter and drank very sweet soft sweet coffee/ tea, ice karang, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We Would leave home in the morning and play all day, till the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours repairing our old bicycles and wooden scooters out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, multiple channels on cable TV, DVD movies, no surround sound, no phones, no personal computers, no Internet.WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and we still continued the stunts.

We never had birthday parties till we were 21

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and just yelled for them!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Yet this generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 40 years has seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned

HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL

And YOU are one of them !

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

DocW

30th June 2007, 13:04

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight."

The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.

He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed Chapter 11, and my son just told me he was gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

DocW

3rd July 2007, 11:44

ME and MY BOSS

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough

When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy,

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, 'to err is human'.

DocW

3rd July 2007, 11:45

UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.
--Dennis Ritchie

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.
--Fred Brooks

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are sure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
--Bertrand Russell

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.
--Alan J. Perlis

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning

DocW

6th July 2007, 03:59

Male Maturity
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big bust.

Roswell

6th July 2007, 11:33

DocW

13th July 2007, 10:50

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Hmmm,!" the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

"Well, just like you did at the last house , I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.
********

CRANK-SHAFT

17th July 2007, 09:49

come on....the joke is funny

Ok you know abortion/birth control right??...The people who say such things are already born .....get it?? :D:D!

DocW

8th August 2007, 07:06

Thought For The Day

'Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!'

Don't be flattered,

this message was sent to ME!!

I just wanted YOU to read it,,

DocW

8th August 2007, 07:10

Wrong Forumla
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his auntie, but I'm glad I came in today."

DocW

8th August 2007, 07:16

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street using his mouth to start the flow, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

DocW

8th August 2007, 07:20

Drivers!
Driving to my office this morning on Interstate 5 I looked over my shoulder to the left and there was an attractive woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eye makeup. I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner.

It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the Krispy Creme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned my thighs and legs, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.

DocW

8th August 2007, 19:05

Sweet Justice
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either."

"He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

DocW

1st September 2007, 05:36

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"

The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven."

"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.

Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.

Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees.

The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva? "

DocW

15th September 2007, 16:16

Play with words

DORMITORY :
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE EYES :
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER
SHAKE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

DocW

22nd September 2007, 07:31

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows..
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

zainab

6th October 2007, 22:07

The Jack Schitt story
---------------------

For some time many of us have
wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We
find ourselves at a loss when someone
says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts,
you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced
six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,
Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins
Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her
parents' objections, Deap Schitt married
Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and
Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later
married Ted Sherlock, and, because her
kids were living with them, she wanted to
keep her previous name. She was then known
as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
and they produced a son with a rather
nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt
and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the
Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,
Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal
son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
Schitt.

Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,"
you can correct them.

DocW

7th October 2007, 07:43

Fishing Trip
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads, it's likely she can also think.

zainab

22nd October 2007, 19:33

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn“t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again. :giggling:

DocW

24th October 2007, 19:05

I normally avoid discussing any advice received from my broker but felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be another ENRON.

Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks: American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, or the Northern Tissue Company.

Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.

DocW

27th October 2007, 15:02

BOB HOPE ON COSMETICS

"When they did my face for TV it used to be called make-up, now they call it special effects."

DocW

27th October 2007, 17:05

Signs seen near church
The following are actual signs found on church property.

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." ""

Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

DocW

30th October 2007, 20:07

Some people divorce for good reasons, some for bad. Then there are people who divorce for these reasons

A man in Conneticut filed for divorce becasue his wife left him a note on the fridge that read;" I won't be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at seven 'o'clock on channel 2."

DocW

30th October 2007, 20:07

In terms of speed, Formula 1 racing drivers have nothing on my friend Lana, which is probably why she got pulled over by a traffic policeman
" Was I driving too fast?" she asked innocently.
"No, you weren't driving too fast," he answered." It's just that you were flying too low."

DocW

30th October 2007, 20:08

While learning about phobias in my university psychology course,I came across the fear of long words-or to give it its official name hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia

DocW

9th November 2007, 11:42

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

DocW

1st December 2007, 04:19

The bride on her wedding night says to her husband.

" There is something I must confess to you, darling."

The groom is shocked but, after a moment replies, "Actually, I must admit I find it quite erratic. Tell me more."

"Well"says the bride, "I played for Wigan."

DocW

1st December 2007, 04:23

Colin goes to see his doctor because he has a lettuce leaf.

"Humm," The doctorsays, " That looks uncomfortable."

"I know" Colin replies, " And it's just the tip of the iceberg."

DocW

1st December 2007, 04:25

Bob moves in with his girl friend and her enormous collection. When she refused to depart, Bob left her. She just had too many.

DocW

12th December 2007, 04:38

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "Please give us some wisdom before you die".

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

DocW

14th December 2007, 04:19

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

DocW

16th December 2007, 07:44

Say Something Positive

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

DocW

26th December 2007, 15:34

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant and

Panic is when both are pregnant.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =

Teacher: Do you know the importance of period?

Kid: Yes, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got

heart attack & our driver ran away.

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =

Some women asked a man who was travelling with six children, are all these kids yours??

Man replies; No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints

vinod

27th December 2007, 03:04

Naughty Naughty DocW.

Ramsey

5th January 2008, 17:28

I used to dislike weddings but as an adult I adore them. At the last one I went to, I had a good laugh when I saw the bride go down the aisle dressed in white. After chuckling I turned to my neighbour and said "I never knew she had such a great sense of humour"

Roswell

7th January 2008, 09:52

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves."What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out ofthe ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?" The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER"

Moral:

When you think the other person is dumb, you are making a
fool of yourself.

Roswell

7th January 2008, 10:05

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

********

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

********

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

********

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Roswell

7th January 2008, 10:10

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE……

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

DocW

20th January 2008, 03:58

AGE

Youth is a gift of nature but age is a work of art.

Just remember once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

You are only young once but you can stay immature indefinitely.

DocW

20th January 2008, 03:59

Muscle come and go but flab lasts.

DocW

22nd January 2008, 03:48

People ask me if I am shipwrecked on a desert island and could have one book, which would it be? I always say "How to build a boat".

DocW

22nd January 2008, 03:49

I had a bet with a mate that Pavarotti would live to 100.

Just lost a tenor.

DocW

26th January 2008, 06:00

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

Roswell

29th January 2008, 12:59

Everything has a gender

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male ,didn't you?

But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!