The_Other_Admin
11th April 2005, 06:43
C - You shoot yourself in the foot.
Assembly - You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room wildly shooting at everyone in sight.
C++ - You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible, because you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
Ada - If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the U.S. Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad and tell the soldiers to shoot at your feet.
Nedula/2 - After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
sh,csh,etc. - You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend 5 hours reading the manual before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
Visual Basic - You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a 3270 terminal.
APL - You hear a quite gunshot, and there's a hole in your terminal, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
FORTRAN - You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal - The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
COBOL - Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...
FORTH - Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog - You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC - Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
HyperTalk - Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif - You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
SNOBOL - If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
370 JCL - You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Paradox - Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
Access - You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation - You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.
dBase - You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.
PL/I - After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.
ALGOL - You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
SCHEME - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
MICROSOFT C++ w/ WINDOWS SDK - You write about 100 lines of code to print "Hello, world!" in a dialogue box, only to have a GPF pop up when you click on OK. This shuts down the program manager, leaving you nothing but a screensaver. You then fly to Washington and shoot Bill Gates in the foot.
LOGO - You tell a turtle to draw a picture of a foot and a gun, then shoot the turtle.
ORACLE - You decide to shoot yourself in the foot and go out to buy a gun - except the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster solution, and relational titanium alloy bullets, and body armour infrastructure, and a laser sight assistant, and a retractable arm stock application, and an enterprise team of ballistics experts and a chiropodist.
Assembly - You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room wildly shooting at everyone in sight.
C++ - You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible, because you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
Ada - If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the U.S. Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad and tell the soldiers to shoot at your feet.
Nedula/2 - After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
sh,csh,etc. - You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend 5 hours reading the manual before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
Visual Basic - You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a 3270 terminal.
APL - You hear a quite gunshot, and there's a hole in your terminal, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
FORTRAN - You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal - The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
COBOL - Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ...
FORTH - Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog - You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC - Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
HyperTalk - Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif - You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
SNOBOL - If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
370 JCL - You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Paradox - Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
Access - You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation - You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.
dBase - You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.
PL/I - After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.
ALGOL - You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
SCHEME - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
MICROSOFT C++ w/ WINDOWS SDK - You write about 100 lines of code to print "Hello, world!" in a dialogue box, only to have a GPF pop up when you click on OK. This shuts down the program manager, leaving you nothing but a screensaver. You then fly to Washington and shoot Bill Gates in the foot.
LOGO - You tell a turtle to draw a picture of a foot and a gun, then shoot the turtle.
ORACLE - You decide to shoot yourself in the foot and go out to buy a gun - except the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster solution, and relational titanium alloy bullets, and body armour infrastructure, and a laser sight assistant, and a retractable arm stock application, and an enterprise team of ballistics experts and a chiropodist.